Fasting

     This is seriously weird. Since I basically just decided to fast for Yom Kippur yesterday, I'm not exactly prepared for the whole fasting thing. I had lo mein and two glasses of water for dinner last night, so basically no proteins or carbs were chilling in my stomach, waiting for today. I'm empty-tummied.

     But surprisingly, it's not bad. I'm not ravenous. It feels a little uncomfortable, like I keep saying to myself, "Huh, you know, I feel kinda off. I better have some lunch." But my family's being pretty considerate and not eating foods that have glorious wafting smells. And it's pretty nice to be reflective today.

     I feel very isolated in terms of religion. When I was younger until a few years ago, I used to be very proud of the fact that I was "half Jewish." And I was, I was proud to have Jewish roots and to be one of few kids in school to be celebrating Passover in the spring instead of Easter. But then I got new and argumentative friends ^^" and with that came the realization that one cannot be half a religion! It makes no sense! You believe in one religion, not two. That was when I felt stupid and stopped saying I was Jewish, lest people figure out that I was honestly just a non-religious kid who liked being different.

     Then a few things happened. I read Life of Pi. My high school merged with our neighboring town, in which probably 1 of 5 kids had a last name ending with -berg, -stein, or -witz. And I stood up to my argumentative friends!

      It's true that I'm not religious at all. I don't believe in a higher power. When I light candles on the menorah or drink grape juice at Passover (too young and innocent for wine), I don't do it solemnly or religiously at all. But I kinda feel a kinship to other Jews. My ancestors are Jewish, and half of my family too, and although I don't really practice religion, I think it's safe to call myself a Jew. Not in the religious sense, but Jews are a group. They're like an ethnic group. They stick together. And I like being a part of that.

     So I think it's my responsibility to at least know what I'm celebrating when it's Chanukkah or when I'm going to a Seder, or whatever, whenever. I owe it to my ancestors to fast on the beginning of the new year, even if I'm not doing it for God. I'm doing it because, heck, I can! And to me, that's just the way I want it to be.

     So shana tova, everyone! (And T minus 3 and a half hours until I can have pizza!)

The worst possible thing

http://www.risingsun.org/polBlogs.cfm?doctype_code=TENTHILL&doc_id=16139

I'm trying to stay positive. It could be worse. What if camp were ending in 10 years? What if this were camp's last year? But right now, it feels like the worst possible thing, and I feel so selfish because all I'm concerned about is that now I won't have fun being a second year. F*CK THIS. FOUR WEEKS IS NOT ENOUGH. AND THEY HAVE TO F*CKING SELL RED HOOK. So much for how how 1935.

A quality quote.

He aprendido que un hombre sólo tiene derecho a mirar a otro hacia abajo cuando ha de ayudarle a levantarse.

—Gabriel García Márquez

I only learn what's interesting

     I hate my classes. I'm so disappointed by my school. Spanish class, I was so excited for it—it's nothing.

     I feel nothing when I'm going to school. I know my grades are slipping, but there are so many better things to do. I wish I could make my own school, one where all I did was learn languages and learn, in general. Is that so hard?

     COÑO

Hiking thoughts

     This weekend has been pretty great so far. I had a good day Friday, and Friday night I went to our school's football game (our school is notoriously bad at football, but people go to these games religiously for some inexplicable reason). It was great! I bonded with people simply by watching this really, really drunk guy run around doing somersaults. He did a perfect cartwheel, too. He probably  couldn't even do a cartwheel sober, but I think he was so hammered that it probably reversed his gymnast abilities.
     And today I went hiking with my dad and got new boots! I really love hiking. I forget that I do when I don't do it for a while, and since the last time was THE HIKE at camp, it's been a while. But seriously, I love it so much. I'd hike every day if I could. There's just something about it. The way you get into a trance—I guess that's it. For overthinkers like me, it's so refreshing because you don't even have a choice, you just cannot think. It's just "left foot, right foot, left, right, watch the rock, left, right" and all of your emotions aren't even present. We were out there for hours and I wasn't hungry, I wasn't thirsty, I wasn't tired. I just wanted more. I wanted to go for miles. I love it. And especially backpacking, I feel so self-sufficient, knowing I have everything that I'll need right on my back. Camping and hiking. Nothing but the essentials. A rain jacket, some boots, a water bottle, and a few granola bars. That's the life.
    And the quality bonding time with my dad! ^_(\ I really love those times when I realize that my parents are actual people. I realized that a lot when I came back from camp, and I've been trying not to forget it. But I really admire both of my parents, a lot. Today I just felt inspired by my dad. He's so passionate about running. He was in the army for almost 6 years. He's been to Korea and can speak the language relatively well (and I let Soo be the judge of that). He's just so self-motivating. I love self-motivators. I look up to them so much, and I try to be one when I can.
     But once I can travel and do stuff, I'll be the biggest self-motivator out there. That's a promise.

High school

Wake up, go for a run at 5.50. 
Come back, shower.
Eat oatmeal, leave for school at 7.30.
Finally get that note to the nurse because I was sick on the third day of school. (Read: it's not happening.)
Act like I have somewhere really important to go until class starts.
Go through my classes.
Eat lunch with friends, talk about friend stuff.
Go through more classes.
Talk to you-know-who after school until he has to go.
Go home.
Do homework.
Text friends.
Do more homework.
Watch part of a Shahid Kapoor movie, end it early out of guilt of not doing homework.
Do more homework.
Make lunch.
Do stretches.
Sleep.
Repeat.

Follow-up to last night

     OK, well, I didn't even know I had all that stuff in my head until last night, lol. I guess it all just wanted to come out.

     But honestly, it's not that I'm angry. That's really not it. It's just that I'm sad, that I feel like I only have two options—be crazy and have no one to be close friends with, or be withdrawn and have no one to be close friends with. I know those aren't my final options, but I don't know how else to do things. I just do not know what to do.