Meteor shower

     Full of wonder and self-assurance rn. Just watched the meteor shower w Maman, and you know what? We're all just specks and we're all going to die. No matter what, we will. And the shower was f-cking awesome. I'd never even seen a satellite in the sky before and tonight I saw this beautiful blue star, with a tail, for a split second, like it was weaving in and out of our atmosphere in some line pattern that I really don't understand but that I am amazed by. And it's not that i'm being pretentious bc it's 11 o'clock at night and i just spent an hr and some change talking death, existentialism and what's really happening in life. If you ever have problems and they're too much to handle, go to some kind of lookout and stare out at a city, a bridge, an ocean, a sky. It's incredible, and it's incredibly lucky that we can be on this earth right now, even if for just a short time. Like, it really is.

-"What is nothing? What the actual f-ck is nothing?" (I am really, really confused by and really, really scared of 'nothing.' Like, it really freaks me out... esp since I don't believe in some kind of alternate ending to life. But I cannot compel myself to believe that when we die, all of our EVERYTHING is just turned off and GONE and there is NOTHING and we don't even KNOW that there is nothing bc WE. ARE. NOTHING. Like, what the f-ck????)
-"What if gravity turned off and that plane fell on us?" (She corrected me bc if gravity turned off obviously the plane would just float into space and get crushed by space debris or sth.)
-"Did I get too cynical?" (Answer: totally yes)
-Her: "Doesn't that cloud look like my shadow? Like that sticking out part is my head?" Me: "Yes!!... What what you do if you got up just now and the head moved?" Her: (laughing but totally mulling it over) Me: "I would just start believing in God, right there... I would start my own religion"

     I'm obsessed w life. Not the YOLO mindset (per se) but like the idea that we should savor everything, every feeling, bad or good, and I guess that's how mine differs from the YOLO approach, bc it's not about being happy all the time, or forcing yourself to have no feelings at all. It's about accepting ANY feelings you get, and getting that they are NORMAL and VALID and that in the grand scheme of things they really actually do not mean anything at all and don't count for anything bc you're going to die anyway (jajaja). But that's not meant to depress. Basically the opposite. We should feel lucky that we're feeling anything at all, that we're feeling excitement, or jealousy, or embarrassment, or euphoria, or fury, or whatever. Bc soon enough (again, I'm not religious so this is only my own opinion. Just thinking out loud or sth right now) we'll be dead and we won't feel a damn thing. And if we've fulfilled our lives (not saying we have to be rich or successful or have loved every moment or sth, just, idk, if what you've done w your own life feels adequate or better), according to my thought process, that's not a problem. It's our time. We've made our mark and then we leave and join all the beings out there that were once guests here, and now they're not. That will be me. That will be you. That will be your best friend, and your crush, and your mom, and your dog, and your cat, and your filthy teacher who gives you too much homework, and it will be everyone you've ever seen or breathed the same air as (does that even make sense? whatever) for even a split second.
     We're all in this together bc (to give these cliched words a slightly more existential meaning) we are all equal. Even flies and lice are equal to us (I guess so. I haven't really thought about this yet). And it doesn't matter what you do, at least not to all the beings that have already left life on Earth, and yes, it matters to the beings still on Earth that you've known and touched and affected, but pretty soon they'll be on the other side, so to speak, with you, except that by then there will be no other side,  there will be no side where they came from, there will be no them, and there will be no you. At least not to you there won't be. Because right now you're a speck, and so is everyone else, and when you're dead you'll be less than a speck, and so will everyone else. We start out equal when we're born and that's how we end up, too.
     But aren't we so damn lucky? That we feel pain and love and a whole lot of other stuff while we can? Like I said before, we're just guests in this place, just specks. We live inside our brains. Everything we know is totally made up. Including, come on now, all our problems. And the roots of all our problems. Like, what is a body? Nothing. What is a mind? Nothing. What is a spirit? Nothing!! So sure, say you're famous. Say you're the most famous person in the world. If you have an incredible body you'll have a legacy among the living as maybe a sex icon or a major athlete. If you have an incredible mind you'll live on in music, or literature, or science, or a whole lot of other stuff. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I'm selfish and I'm pretty sure all other humans are too (not a bad thing, just a true thing). I don't care nearly as much about what other people think of me. When I'm dead I won't care (at this pt at least, as a sheltered 15-year-old) about what the living will think of me. I care about what I think of me. What will I think of myself when I'm dead? NOTHING, bc I won't be able to f-cking THINK!!! See how nothing really matters? Not that that's an excuse to just sit around wasting your life away doing nothing. If anything it should be an affirmation that life is so precious. Life is precious, and when you think about it, it's over f-cking FAST. And for some reason, that is really comforting.

Camp reflection, etc.

     I am so, so devastatingly sad that camp is over. 6 weeks of my life, all a memory. WAAAAHH!! And omg I miss the bae sooo much, like I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye (meaning hug and flirty reminder to text me) and now I'm pretty sure we'll never see each other again... Waaaahh...
     Always telling myself that "from now on, it'll be different." But no, it never happens. I'm still anxious and disappointed and upset and freaked out and stressed about everything.
     The issue is also that I feel like I don't have an excuse for any of it. Like, when my mom told me I could have anxiety I was almost thrilled to accept that (even though I'm pretty sure I don't). Like, everything is all my fault and I could flip it at any time I wanted to, I'm just choosing to be stubborn and lazy and unfocused about it. There's no depression or anxiety or eating disorder at play here, just me and my inability to act. It's so upsetting really
     On a different note, I am DYING for a camera!! I know I've mentioned this before, but EVERY encounter is a photo op!!
What I want to do:
-Take fotos all the time
-Run every day
-Get strong arms for once in my life, jajaja
-Not fail the French exam
-Learn the whole Call Me Baby dance (and roast 크루브 bc let's face it, the guy sucks at dancing and I am a machine)
-Decorate my room (put up Shakespeare and Co. poster, make art, decorate desk space, etc.)
-Take artsy pics in Europe w my dumb 4S, jajaja
-Bike more!! I used to be so obsessed w the idea of biking after Blue Tree two summers ago but idk what happened to that, jaja. But it's such a great thing!
-Send off the letters 미르신아기 and I made for the second-years (jajajajaj her puns randomly surpass the panache of any given Jew's instagram at my school)
-Do sth productive w my sophomore year
-Learn how to use my (until now completely obsolete) sewing machine
-Some (click) times in our lives (click) we all have pain, we all have sorrow~ (I have absolutely no idea why I wrote that. Feeling CRS nostalgia or sth)
-Delete instagram!!!!??!!!
-Go to sleep immediately

On Gen X, changing the world and why beauty doesn't have to be the answer

     So I randomly just watched The Breakfast Club again, jajaja. It's just so comforting to me, like I really can't relate to most of the things going on w them but it's comforting all the same. My mom and I are v obsessed w all the living generations, esp Gen X (bc that's her) and the millennials, and it's just so fascinating bc Gen X is basically defined by anarchy or sth. They just can't figure it out: they never have (as we can see from all the John Hughes movies) and they never will. We were trying to come up w some defining Gen X-ers bc it's so easy to come up with defining millennials (winners like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Mark Zuckerberg, Kim Kardashian, etc.), but like... There aren't any. Ben Stiller? Jerry Seinfeld? I guess so. But they make for some pretty pathetic spokespeople.
     I'm a Gen Z-er (also known as my fave word, a boomlet) so i'm v hopeful for us younguns. Hopefully we can reconstruct the lame world the millennials haphazardly built for us with the support of their Gen X parents: parents who grew up children in families ravaged by divorce (a factor which, according to The Wall Street Journal, ended about half of all marriages in the 70s) and consequently blossomed into smothers and manchildren so their own kids wouldn't have to grow up too early.
     But omg, that WSJ article along w some others (yeah i may have just done some more research on this jajaja) was so enlightening!! All the generations totally f-cked each other up!!! The baby boomers rebelled against their stagnant surroundings and listened to rock n roll and became hippies. They wanted to feel young and alive or sth so they felt pressure to look/act/stay young even after having kids, so they left their kids unsupervised and alone so they could live a little (tbh sounds totally like the millennials. But they do say that children relate to their grandparents better than their parents so ok yeah sure). So Gen X felt cheated out of their childhoods and set out to save the souls of their spawn (jaja i love writing rn) with Baby on Board stickers and leashes for their 4-year-olds. Cute!! So now the millennials are growing up and they simply cannot live w/o the care their parents lavished upon them, and bc they cannot think for themselves and figure out how to be adults they're the "boomerang generation" that just returns back to their parents' house, which works out fine for the love-starved Gen X-ers and the lazy millennials, but where does that leave the rest of us?! Like, when I come of age there's gonna be SO much work to do. Ugh. But I have so many reforms in mind already!! I'm fully stocked w ideas. But rn the point of my life is to survive being a teenager, so I'll focus on that for now and get moving after I graduate and go skydiving and stuff.
     Ok but I can't resist. Some starter ideas:
-A fashion/lifestyle magazine called Boomlets!! Kind of my take on a younger, less existential Rookie mixed w HONY. It will involve street style worn by girls of all shapes, sizes, colors etc. along w some kind of background on them, a la Brandon Stanton!
-A girl band ALSO called Boomlets!!! Still trying to recruit my friends to do this. (Ok i realize these aren't like global reforms or sth but it's a start)
-Preface: Ok, this is actually a good one. A project that protests lookism for women (the concept that while men are judged by strength and talent, women are totally just based off of how hot they are), except I don't really know how to do this w/o involving a burqa-style getup that masks how we really look. But that's just weird. Idk how exactly to do this. But I'm sure i'll get many earnest recruits for this puppy too bc tbh it's pretty genius
-A foto series of different places in Newark, Queens, etc. that look pretty grody to the typical person's eye but they realize that the places are actually beautiful bc they're full of character and heart and as my dad says about Queens, "it's the blood of New York City."
     And what even is this "beautiful" craze anyway? Everyone's all about "oh yes I love beautiful things" and recently this crap about "everyone is beautiful" and of course the feminists protesting "You don't know you're beautiful/That's what makes you beautiful." So basically it's just a common idea that girls should be allowed to feel beautiful themselves and it's ok to have high self esteem and no matter what you look like, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
     Not that that's a bad thing, but how about this: ENOUGH WITH THE BEAUTIFUL!!! Like, SERIOUSLY!!! What if a girl doesn't WANT to feel beautiful? What if a girl wants to focus on being FUNNY or SMART or a LEADER instead of basing everything off of looks?? It's just so unfair. Obviously lookism applies to guys too to a degree, but it doesn't hold them back. This would never happen to a man looking for an office job.
     But everything is just about looks, looks, looks. E-NOUUUUGHH. Even on my favorite song by my favorite band (a cover of Call Me Baby by The Ark, a Korean girl group that wears super badass clothing)...:

     ...Even on that, people's comments focus on their looks and how they can be sexy and pretty even dressing like tomboys. Ok, yes, but can't we just focus on the fact that they are SUCH incredibly talented dancers and singers, and of course that they have the best sense of style, instead of how they can be beautiful even though they're not ladylike? Maybe they don't want to be beautiful. Maybe they want people to say "waaaahh they are TOUGH!!" Just an idea.
     But fashion is different, like it's an optional thing. It's basically an extension of your personality. you have control over it and you can change it, unlike your actual body and looks and whatever. So it's really totally different. And I just can't deal w not being able to wear what I want bc i am SO into fashion and clothes and personal expression, and it is so unfair to have a polyvore and then go to H&M to try on your dream clothes and have them all look like total shit on you. I mean REALLY. And then you try on a pair of like cotton shorts bc none of the denim ones fit you right, and your mom tells you it's a really flattering look for you, and bc you're about to have a meltdown in the dressing room you just buy them, but at home you're trying them on and you're just tearing up at the mirror, bc ok, sure, they say you look good in these and they're good for you body type, but what if you don't WANT to wear these stupid pajama clothes to look good?? What if you want to wear the short overalls you saw in the store, and kneesocks, and crop tops and cheetah print ankle booties (at this pt I'm just rattling off the whole H&M fall catalog) and skinny jeans and all of it w/o feeling like puking in the mirror? It just feels SO unfair. So, so unfair. And I have the feeling that that mini rant had nothing to do w the point I was trying to get across here, but it came out naturally and now it's over and I really gotta sleep. It's so irritating that I'm up at 6:30 am and my mind only starts functioning now, at half an hr to midnight. Ughhh. Buenas noches

Summer anxiety!!

     I'm obsessed with Instagram all of a sudden. It started w that Bollywood fan account 하리가 and I made, bollychudiyan, which I hardly ever used and whenever I got too into it I would delete it. But it would always find its way back onto my phone. And then I started following EXO members and unfollowing all the stupid Sonam Kapoor (ugh, no talent) fan accounts, and then I changed the password so 하리가 couldn't like her own fotos w it, jajaja. And then I started following other people that I actually knew, some from camp and some from school but upperclassmen and some from BRS, and then it just got depressing. Honestly I think my body image is going downhill just because of that. Even Sal's stupid farm pics with his long hippie hair depress me, jajaja. But I just can't get enough of refreshing my feed and letting my fomo (fobf?? fear of being fat? no that looks too much like "fob" which is too funny to be taken seriously).
     Every time I've taken a picture this summer I get so upset. Like I really cannot handle it. And then to see it on Instagram or fb sucks. And to see it on my phone sucks too, like even pictures with Myrsinaki made me sad to look at, which made me sad bc I loved that moment until the picture was taken. But at the same time I feel like I really have an eye for good photo ops!! Me and every other white girl on the planet but still. Every time I'm in Newark or the city I just see so many fotos ready to be taken but if I look like how I look like then I don't want to take it or put it up on fb.
     I feel weirdly like I don't know how to talk to/hang out w boys anymore. I am so reluctant to set up the BRS reunion AND any CRS reunions where Red Hook is... I don't want the BRS boys to compare me to 엠아리, who's looking basically like a model these days, chiseled jawline and all, and I don't want to interact w the CRS boys simply bc they are sooo deadly!! But it's kind of weird that I haven't "found my people" boy-wise anywhere. They're definitely not at school, but not at camp either? Like, where ARE these guys??
     My money anxiety is preventing me from going on the great shopping spree I know I need. Every time I walk into H&M I wanna buy the whole store out!! And Romwe, and any Stussy chapter, etc. etc. I am simply DYING to visit Stussy in Milano but I feel like it'll be a shady outlet or sth only for boys. Plus it's weird to shop for this stuff w my parents. But we'll only be there for a little while so it's not like I'm gonna go off on my own to shop in men's stores. Plus it's SOOO expensive! And I won't even see 피얌마 at all!! ㅠㅠ
     The biases: 엑소 타오, 킴남준, Bender from The Breakfast Club, Ross from Friends, 자크 from camp jajaja
     I figure I'll raid Rookie's monthly images for some good backgrounds. And GOD am I into photography at this pt. I don't even want an iPhone as my new phone anymore bc i feel like the fotos will suck and I want a Samsung instead bc it's also more internationally savvy (all my CRS amigas have them and I'm obsessed). But tbh nothing will be worse than my junky 4S camera. And yes I want a camera but again w the money!!! I really have begun to freak out like a crazy person about money these days. I hate going for groceries just bc I hate seeing the receipt even if the cashier informs me that "you saved $xx today!!" Then I go nuts and tell my mom and she's like, "hey, we're a family of five" and I'm just like, How will I survive?? Bc i really do have kind of expensive tastes. I don't realize it, but I totally do. I'm always dying to eat out, and I love healthy food which is pricier, and I love eating a lot of food which just makes it priciest. Ay caramba!! Plus I feel like living in a city by myself won't be all it's cracked up to be (and I will have a roommate, or I'll have nightmares that the third Insidious will happen to me). And like, that it won't feel "real."
     Yeah, so I'm obsessed w this "real" idea. Ever since summer started, I've been reading like a maniac. I read and I run and I procrastinate and I eat and I polyvore; that is my summer. But y'know, we're talking trips to the library every three, four days. Which is awesome!! I haven't read this much since I was a youngun in middle school. But it's like... Ever since I read Joy Luck I've just gone on to read these sorta depressing adult books encompassing the lives of complex people puzzling through their complex issues. And they have not-nice endings, like French movies. And I think it's turning me bad!! I really do, like I feel kind of empty after I read them and now it feels like nothing is how it's said in books, like relationships and stuff. And I get that I'm just a kid and I shouldn't expect to face these kinds of things, but just read Joy Luck or The Buddha in the Attic and there is absolutely no way people actually think like this. It's too much.
     We dropped off Myrsinaki earlier tonight at EWR (and god, I love airports), and as we were driving home I was talking to my mom about this "real" theory. But I just don't know how to explain it. I find I'm really bad at talking... And it's pretty frustrating bc I'm a good speaker when I'm rehearsed. But it's simply not meant to be. I'm cut out for writing books or sth. I wish I could just come out w the female version of No Coins Pls and strike it rich, as was the plan in February, but I'm not really writing these days. Sometimes I journal but that's pretty rare. Like right now, it's 12:40 am and I know I should have been asleep 2.5 hrs ago bc Myrsini and I woke up at like 10 this morning (meaning Sunday) and I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (meaning Monday) to run, and then I also have to make my lunch bc I was too busy watching, for the first time, The Breakfast Club, which 엄마 recommended for me and which I loved but it was also kind of depressing but in a good way plus Bender was sooooo hot... Buuut I'm not gonna sleep until I've gotten out all my thoughts bc this does NOT happen often when my thoughts come out in a stream of consciousness thing where it's actually natural and real and genuine and all that good stuff, and hey I am totally on a roll here!! I know I'm a writer but at this pt in my life I'm not feeling it. But it's really very ok bc I know I'll be back to write that kid's book. It's in my blood!
     Books I've read/am reading: One L (it's SO great!! I was discussing it w "the parentals" as 산드라 would say and we all agreed that the pressure Scott Turow was facing at Harvard Law in the 70s is not so far off from the pressure Jews and Asians are facing rn at any given tri-state area high school, jajaja (laughing in a sad and ironic way), which is probably why I'm so invested in it, bc i can actually relate to the chaos and lunacy his mind has become), The Tin Horse (basically Anita Diamant's The Boston Girl but with deeper emotions), Inside the O'briens (by the author of Still Alice which I am so reading on the Europe trip bc I was obsessed w Inside the O'briens!!), and other books I unfortunately totally don't remember at all, lol. I tried reading some of Amy Tan's other books but they're really just mleh. Joy Luck and even The Bonesetter's Daughter were right on the money but everything else was too much. I also got her memoir out of the library but omggg. I'm sorry to say that it just feels like she's trying too hard. Plus, she is SUCH a type, and she talks about these outlandish things that she did when she was young, like moving with her first-generation Chinese mother to SWITZERLAND (?!?!??!?!) in such a way that I have to go back and figure out if she's actually serious, or if she's just being comparative or sth. But come on. It's awful.
     Food I am dying for: the spicy tuna rice at Totto (waaaaaahh), raw cookie dough, the pork bun at Totto, Empanada Mama, the maggi noodles at 하리가 house, Korean bbq
     In addition to photography I'm obsessed w soundscapes!! I've taken a bunch since June when I was w A. in DC's Chinatown listening to some brass band on the street, and on the train coming back home, and in Chelsea, and even in Times Square where I was hiding my phone every time one of the CRS girls spoke so I wouldn't record them, jajaja. But the wind always gets in the way!! I messaged the Suvi who did the soundscape instruction for tips, bc Myrsinaki told me she always did that whenever she wanted to take up some skill (like 존 for meditation... ugh, John jajaj). She said she  was flattered and she would get back to me but she has NOT. I am v underwhelmed by this, and honestly this is so typical CRS. Myrsini and I were just talking about it on the way to the airport. Basically most of the campers totally have this reputation for having awesome ideas and then not acting upon them. Like during holiday break (when Myrsini was w our Turkish amigo and so we were messaging nonstop about the drama jajaj), a few of them were planning a massive trans-continental trip for this month and basically asked everyone "which would be a more convenient option, meeting up in Paris and then island-hopping in Greece, or taking Europe by train and then setting up shop in Thailand?" Which sounds like a dream, but really? We certainly were not all loaded at camp, but what kind of an idea is that, let's get real, jajaja. But that's one example out of tons. The reunions, for example, they always fall through. I was lucky enough to see Nush and Myrsinaki twice, Shaf and Shags a bunch of times and some of the city girls a few times too, but I know a lot of people had their plans just not work out. Whatever, though. If they don't want to meet, it's no problem. I totally have skype anxiety so i really can't talk in this department.
     But seriously, the Red Hook guys are SUCH a crackup. 안다루 with his 타이새야-style posts and his selfies (jajajajaja, the SELFIES!), 타리스탄 with his awkward Italy videos, all the Stuy guys on the CRS group chat (ugh, the Stuy guys. 아누사 was 100% right when she was complaining about how deadly they were on College Day, but I was totally smitten w 라이안 and 리타므 and didn't realize the true social ineptness until post-camp)... I wish I made friends w the European boys. They were more normal, lol.
     I really should make this blog private w all the names I'm shouting out all the time, jajaja. But I have this far-fetched idea that I'll someday become some household-name blog like the ones on Rookie simply by "being myself!" (Suuuuure.) So of course it MUST be public!!
     OK, I think I'm winding down. Gotta get myself up bright and early for my run anyway, and ughhh I feel the sleep tugging at my eyes already... I'm going to hate myself tomorrow morning... My time management SUCKS, and I'm more than a week behind on French, and oh great my mom is coming jajajaj she just slaughtered me but I'm going to bed now for real. And also, I am SO pumped for Europe!! I'll take tons of pics w my awful 4S camera and tons of metro soundscapes, and I'll buy a bag and a bucket hat and a hacky sack and Italian and Spanish and Portuguese fashion mags, and I'll run in all the countries and feel a huge sense of accomplishment from doing that a few months later when I'm back in the clutches of my high school. Ugh. School.
     Jaja. Ok. Καληνυχτα!!
     EDIT: I changed all the names to hangul so it's censored!!

Friday night feminism ᕦ㋡ᕤ

    In desperate need of some strong female influence! I went through my newly cleaned out bookshelves looking for books with STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN ROLE MODELS as the main characters. What I found was

I Am Nujood, Age 10 and Divorced

Cheryl Strayed's Wild

Gone with the Wind

The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency

The Boston Girl (which I SOOOO recommend for anyone who likes any and every decade of 20th-century America, particularly New York in the 30s and 40s)

Reviving Ophelia

The Joy Luck Club

The Help

A Little Princess

I Am Malala

Nancy Drew? Jajajaja, how underrated

The Poisonwood Bible

Reading Lolita in Tehran

Maya Angelou's The Heart of a Woman

    Like, I am so on the lookout for reading material, but I can't handle reading these men books all the time. It sucks. I have no patience for it. I'm massively into a more gender-equal, feminist approach to my media intake, and Dan Brown, which I was obsessed with two years ago, doesn't cut it anymore (Digital Fortress, anyone? I actually hate this guy now). I've basically come full circle from where I was last year at this time, when I told my mom that not only was I anti-feminist but that I thought women authors WERE BAD and "too girly" (ex. Salinger > Plath). I was totally on-board with this idea that women were just frivolous and didn't get the whole life thing and had their own place in society that didn't really interfere with the rest of the scene. I mean, read some of my past entries on da blog. I was very very bad. 

    Well, not bad, just ignorant. I was downing all this Kerouac and Salinger and all these books where women were nice as, like, toys or accessories or something, but they were pretty crazy and fake and they weren't really people. Subconsciously, of course, but I WAS STILL ABSORBING IT and thinking to myself, jeez I wish I was a boy, boys can do so much more and are more interesting and girls are too girly. 

    I think that's also kind of part of my makeup stigma...? Maybe? Because I don't want to give in to the womanly temptations or whatever that my esteemed writers and I were so against. But I'm so glad I've realized, and that I LOVE US!!! Jajaja. And I know how awesome women can be. And the more women I read and watch and listen to that are inspirational and strong, the more I can be all of those things and help myself grow as a person and learn to ignore all the BS going on in school, etc.

    So as an added PS, if there are any woman-centric books you'd recommend, I would love to hear them! Thanks yaaron xx

What homework? jajaja

    Inspired by my homegirl Francesca to do a post!
    Omg. I cannot even handle the sadness, jaja. I laugh but it's not even funny. I miss myself, you know? I have too many worries these days. I was so cute back in the day. Now I'm just depressing and stuff. It's horrifying. But it just goes to show you: I am a product of my environment. Who's even cute anymore? Nobody. It's all high school's fault.
    But for real. I don't even like myself anymore, I mean, I do, but I get on my nerves so much. It's horrifying. Everything is just so negative and I'm just not like that. I don't wanna gossip about teachers. I don't wanna gossip about other girls. I don't wanna fat talk. I don't wanna do any of this. Most of all I don't wanna do my homework. IT IS EARTH DAY SO OUR TEACHERS SHOULD GIVE US HOMEWORK THAT IS GREAT FUN.
     And also, my allergies are going ballistic, so I can't even go outside!!! So I was allowed to stay in the library for block gym instead of running the mile like my peers (jajaja), but I couldn't even concentrate in there with the suspicious librarian staring at me making silent assumptions that I was cutting class and all the PEOPLEEEE that I cannot handle, like it's so weird that everyone at my school somehow looks exactly the same... It's so weird. It's like a cult. For real. I can't handle it; I mean like they all have different body types and although the student body is mostly white we have kids of many different ethnic backgrounds and what have you, and despite all that they all look the same. Something about the leggings and the Sperrys and the North Faces and the LEGGINGS just gets me. I can't handle it. I don't understand how somehow everyone can look like that. But obviously the worst part is the attitudes. I can't deal. I wish everyone there could just go for a hike on the PCT for a few weeks in solitude and see what would happen. I think they would all chill out.
     But then again, we're all what society made us, basically. I maintain that belief. It's not their fault this town is nuts, jajaja. I mean, half the girls in my grade already have wrinkle lines in their foreheads from worrying about the gradebook and trying to diet or something. And it's HORRIBLE. People really don't appreciate how hard it is for girls. We have so many expectations. I'm not even going to go into it right now because the feminism could go on for centuries and I still have history homework to do, but for real, it is wrong. I wish girls could stop trying to fit themselves and their identities these stupid leggings if their bods say otherwise and just dress how they like. We obviously don't all look the same, so why should we all try to wear the same clothes? And BECAUSE a girl doesn't fit the same clothes as another girl, she's too fat or too skinny or too neither? RIDICULOUSNESS TO THE PEAKS!!! It's all the fashion industry's fault. Actually, it's really every industry's fault. I just watched the documentary Fed Up about how corporations are making us OD on sugar and consequently become obese, and as far as I'm concerned, nothing that was created to "help" the general public is doing its job at all, with the exception of maybe the UN organizations. But come on, other than that? I hate the feeling of being taken advantage of. And every industry is basically doing that right now. Yucky.

Motivation

I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to aesthetic stuff. Like honestly, even my blog has to look so perfect, and it doesn't now, which is freaking me out a little bit right now. But other things in life are also freaking me out right now, so I guess it kind of makes sense.

In December I made myself some January resolutions, just for that month. I went veg, I didn't have dessert, I ran at least 3x a week, and I had goals of meditating and writing in my journal every day. Which was good, and somehow I felt motivated to do it, but when I try to do that again it just doesn't work. Like, losing weight, say. Sure, yes, I want to, but what for? I have no reason to do it. I have no one to impress, and I myself won't be impressed by it because there's always something else for me to be insecure about. So why should I?

I was beginning to get a little worried about constantly wasting all my time on Skype, OK, a lot worried. But I almost think what I'm doing right now is worse: stressing about what I should be doing and how I'm running out of time and all the things I should be achieving post-camp, because god knows I'm not doing anything with myself right now. All my friends are doing stuff because their parents are forcing them to. My parents aren't like that and they want me to take the initiative by myself but I have no drive, for whatever reason. I just want it to be like it was earlier this year when I still had that part of me that I don't have now, you know what I mean, and I was happy, at least. I know I'm romanticizing it, but I read my old journal entries every night and it's always talking about how I can't wait to go back to school on the weekends because school was actually fun for me. And the weekends were too, because I was always hanging out with different friends, doing different shit, and it was fun. And I was running at least 5x a week, usually every day after school and one weekend day, because I WANTED TO.

It's pretty upsetting.

Africa, etc.

I was feeling like change, so here we are. New format, new background, new link, OUAY ('yeah' in French, jaja). I'm also extremely annoyed with the fact that Blogger is blocked on my school laptop. It's not like it's detrimental to our education.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder how many kids in school even have a blog. On here or Wordpress or whatever. I made one on Weebly, inspired by Olivia and because it was accessible on that damn computer. But I have absolutely no idea how it works. I wish she could teach me... I wish we could be in the Anatolia and she could teach me... And Minky could keep watch and hum some of her Setswana songs in the background...

De repente, I'm into Africa and the Caribbean islands. I'm reminded of Olivia, how she told me how I was the only other person she'd gotten to know with the "culture crisis" thing going on, and how her thing was Africa, mainly Ghana. I can totally understand why, Africa just has some kind of poetry or something to it, some simple earthiness and beauty. I think of Delphina when I think of Africa and I want to write to her, she's just so sweet and quietly graceful and all.

And the Carib, pueeees I've always been a Bob Marley fan, but on our trip last month I loved the culture of Belize and Roatan, Honduras (maybe not when we were walking around in the middle of the street in some pretty sketchy areas of Belize City as the only non-locals, but it resonates with me now, jaja). I bought a small oil painting of a woman standing in a doorway with a basket on her head and shrubbery behind her from a man with dreads painting right there on the street, which I love. And of course I love Krista's culture in Barbados, although it's totally different than Belize. They all just feel kinda warm to me, I don't know. I like it. It's friendly and I feel like I could just laugh with these people that I've never met. That's just the vibe I'm getting.

A list of STUFF

    I'm feeling SUPER productive!
PRA FAZER:
-A handstand











-Look for summer jobs (I have no idea what to do, by the way. I'm too young for most jobs (most interesting ones). I really wanted to work on a farm or something, but a lot of them are specific to the region and there's not a lot of farms where I am. And I really don't wanna spend my summer doing tedious stuff. I would've loved to have just taken a volunteer job, but I was talking to K the other day and he's right--if I want to do all these things I want to do, I need to raise money for them. UGH MONEY)
-Buy cool stuff in MEXICO
-Like... hang out with a llama!
-Pack for the trip *-* ^_^
-Give K a Japan experience
-Send Yumi my letter
PRA COMER:
-Some soggy chicken tamales, out of guilt (because omg. My dad is so pagal (endearingly so). He was feeling hungry yesterday and so he decided to take out this massive bag of TWELVE CHICKEN TAMALES from the freezer and make ALL OF THEM, assuming that he and I would eat ALL OF THEM OURSELVESSSS and now THEY CANNOT BE REHEATED BC HE ALREADY PUT THEM IN THE MICROWAVE and we ate only like five of them yesterday and NOW WE CANNOT EAT THEM AND IF WE DO THEYLL BE ALL GROSS AND SOGGY AND UGHHH BABUJIIII)
-Peanut butter
-Paella (idk, I would just like some)
-The avocado on the kitchen island that no one wants (which is obviously not a problem, I mean, avocados are bae. But I will never be able to understand this. No one in my household ever wants to eat them. They're my actual favorite food, like I will just eat one straight up with a spoon, and for gods sake you can eat them on anything and with anything and HELLO, GUACAMOLE)
PRA OUVIR (listen to, apparently):
-Rab ne bana di jodi soundtrack (mainly Dancing Jodi, I absolutely ADORE that song, Taani partner)
-Sweety from Race Gurram (with my brother)
-This Singh is So Stylish (this is the anthem)
-Aaja Nachle (literally barfing in my sleep about that song)
-Rozz Jack
-Dance Basanti (neer neer neer) <-- me impersonating a tumbi
PRA LER:
-The Smartest Kids in the World (the parts when the kids find youth exchange programs and raise money for them, cough cough, ROTARY)
-Travel reviews
-Blogs of exchange students
PRA ASSISTIR (watch, apparently):
-Om Shanti Om
-Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (STILL HAVE NOT WATCHED IT)
-Race Gurram
-Zero Dark Thirty

Theek hai

     Hi, all... It's been a while. I was just on my laptop binge-watching Rani Mukerji movies and I decided to post on here. Just a check-in, check-up, kuch bhi, τέλος πάντων, whatever!
     So I'm madly in love right now. No kidding. Nenu ninnu premisthanu. I call him uppu and he calls me karam. It's great!
     I'm reading this book The Smartest Kids in the World right now; it's great fun! It keeps inspiring me to apply to UWC or AFS or something that offers a foreign schooling program. I'd love to be an exchange student... I really would. Like, my junior year somewhere else... It would be great. A Red Hook kid posted on Facebook that he got his acceptance letter to go to Germany for a year next year, his junior year, and I was bahut jealous. Another Red Hook kid, the Polak, is in Costa Rica for some convention thing... UGHHH. I know it's pretty selfish, but I am absolutely dying to go somewhere, especially somewhere where I can be a teenager and not be with my parents.
     Here's why it's selfish: Since camp, I've been dying to go to some Peace Corps-type camp for high-school kids over the summer. Go to Guatemala or Dharamsala for 4 or 5 weeks, do some sightseeing, meet new kids, do some service work, learn the language, feel productive. They're all a few thousand dollars just for like 3-4 weeks, but still. But after spending winter break in a fog, calling the one person I shouldn't every night and scrolling through pages and pages of camps where jappy kids from the tri-state area can go to Shimla together, I was feeling pretty cynical about the whole thing.
     Back story, because I like to talk about mein kampf: Honestly, for a couple reasons, break was just a bad situation. I couldn't function properly... I was kind of obsessive about stuff. And apathetic about other stuff. I half-watched lots of movies until late, and then I wouldn't want to go upstairs to sleep. So I would just hang out alone downstairs and eat, or something. One night I fell asleep on the stairs because I didn't want my parents to hear me coming into my room so late, and one night I didn't sleep at all. On Christmas I was such a pain in the you-know-what for the whole family that my mom found me when I was trying to sneak upstairs that night and got me into my room and just made me talk. It was good, though. I came out of my sulk. End of back story.
     And I realized that it was v. lame to go to one of those camps because they're kind of self-indulgent. Or they'd be self-indulgent for me, at least. For one thing, the quality of the people going to them... I'm not going to elaborate on that, but they're not my kind of people, they're not in it for the same things as me. But I would be going to volunteer with people for myself, not for the need to help others. I would be doing it because I wanted to go to India, not because I felt upset about conditions that people face... It would be redeeming for me--I would be doing it for that redeeming feeling. If that makes sense. And I find that really lame.
     So I want to travel, but for the sake of traveling. Not for something else that I should be focusing on. If I want to do volunteer work, I should do it in the States, and if I want to see India, I should do it in Bharat for the sake of seeing Bharat.
     That was, like, so deep... See, this is why I don't like blogging. I always make my situation sound so much more depressing. Here, CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! SHAHRUKH KHAN, ARJUN KAPOOR, SHAHID KAPOOR'S LIPS!!!!! TELUGU!!!!! विवेक गोगिनेनी!!!!! मैं तुमसे  प्यार करती हूँ!!!!! बहुत अच्छा और आजा!!!!! Gratuitous enthusiasm ^_(\

Fasting

     This is seriously weird. Since I basically just decided to fast for Yom Kippur yesterday, I'm not exactly prepared for the whole fasting thing. I had lo mein and two glasses of water for dinner last night, so basically no proteins or carbs were chilling in my stomach, waiting for today. I'm empty-tummied.

     But surprisingly, it's not bad. I'm not ravenous. It feels a little uncomfortable, like I keep saying to myself, "Huh, you know, I feel kinda off. I better have some lunch." But my family's being pretty considerate and not eating foods that have glorious wafting smells. And it's pretty nice to be reflective today.

     I feel very isolated in terms of religion. When I was younger until a few years ago, I used to be very proud of the fact that I was "half Jewish." And I was, I was proud to have Jewish roots and to be one of few kids in school to be celebrating Passover in the spring instead of Easter. But then I got new and argumentative friends ^^" and with that came the realization that one cannot be half a religion! It makes no sense! You believe in one religion, not two. That was when I felt stupid and stopped saying I was Jewish, lest people figure out that I was honestly just a non-religious kid who liked being different.

     Then a few things happened. I read Life of Pi. My high school merged with our neighboring town, in which probably 1 of 5 kids had a last name ending with -berg, -stein, or -witz. And I stood up to my argumentative friends!

      It's true that I'm not religious at all. I don't believe in a higher power. When I light candles on the menorah or drink grape juice at Passover (too young and innocent for wine), I don't do it solemnly or religiously at all. But I kinda feel a kinship to other Jews. My ancestors are Jewish, and half of my family too, and although I don't really practice religion, I think it's safe to call myself a Jew. Not in the religious sense, but Jews are a group. They're like an ethnic group. They stick together. And I like being a part of that.

     So I think it's my responsibility to at least know what I'm celebrating when it's Chanukkah or when I'm going to a Seder, or whatever, whenever. I owe it to my ancestors to fast on the beginning of the new year, even if I'm not doing it for God. I'm doing it because, heck, I can! And to me, that's just the way I want it to be.

     So shana tova, everyone! (And T minus 3 and a half hours until I can have pizza!)

Hiking thoughts

     This weekend has been pretty great so far. I had a good day Friday, and Friday night I went to our school's football game (our school is notoriously bad at football, but people go to these games religiously for some inexplicable reason). It was great! I bonded with people simply by watching this really, really drunk guy run around doing somersaults. He did a perfect cartwheel, too. He probably  couldn't even do a cartwheel sober, but I think he was so hammered that it probably reversed his gymnast abilities.
     And today I went hiking with my dad and got new boots! I really love hiking. I forget that I do when I don't do it for a while, and since the last time was THE HIKE at camp, it's been a while. But seriously, I love it so much. I'd hike every day if I could. There's just something about it. The way you get into a trance—I guess that's it. For overthinkers like me, it's so refreshing because you don't even have a choice, you just cannot think. It's just "left foot, right foot, left, right, watch the rock, left, right" and all of your emotions aren't even present. We were out there for hours and I wasn't hungry, I wasn't thirsty, I wasn't tired. I just wanted more. I wanted to go for miles. I love it. And especially backpacking, I feel so self-sufficient, knowing I have everything that I'll need right on my back. Camping and hiking. Nothing but the essentials. A rain jacket, some boots, a water bottle, and a few granola bars. That's the life.
    And the quality bonding time with my dad! ^_(\ I really love those times when I realize that my parents are actual people. I realized that a lot when I came back from camp, and I've been trying not to forget it. But I really admire both of my parents, a lot. Today I just felt inspired by my dad. He's so passionate about running. He was in the army for almost 6 years. He's been to Korea and can speak the language relatively well (and I let Soo be the judge of that). He's just so self-motivating. I love self-motivators. I look up to them so much, and I try to be one when I can.
     But once I can travel and do stuff, I'll be the biggest self-motivator out there. That's a promise.

Back to School

     Today was school orientation. Really depressing, honestly. But... I guess it's a plus that I'm moving up. And anyway, now I have something to look forward to: summer. I used to hate summers, but hey, camp! There's so much stuff I could possibly do to occupy myself now. It's great.
     After orientation I was in a really nasty mood, so I called my friend and we walked all over town. It felt really freeing, I don't know why. On the last morning of camp I talked with a counselor, my favorite one, about being bored. She said she never got bored when she was my age, but she grew up somewhere really cool. I live in such a goddamn boring place! There is NOTHING to do here. The most I can do is wait until I can drive places, or figure out how to use public transportation. Probably not happening. So I'm stuck here. But it feels great to just walk and talk. It's the best I can do right now, so I'm not complaining.
     Also, camp guys, check out Daphnie's YouTube channel because she has a lot of great covers, especially the Hebrew ones <3

A.C. (after camp)

     Ever since I got back from camp, everything is so. boring. by comparison. It's terrible.
     But really, it's OK. I've decided that I'm bored just because it's still summer and I don't really have too much to do right now. I'm going to my new school's orientation tomorrow, so pretty soon I'll be busy doing whatever I gotta do, and then I'll feel happier.
     I'm SUPER into international music now. And I think my India thing is finally over, but I have new places now! YEAH. Thanks to my sisters, my new points of interest are
Greece
Argentina
Brazil
Costa Rica (I don't even know why...)
Italy
Turkey
Portuguese
Greek
Spanish
Hebrew
cooking
dancing (haha, I know)
singing
taking risks
having fun
talking
teaching
giving Greek hugs to people
     It's great! I can't wait until school starts.
     Actually, I can, but it's OK ^^"

Reflections.

     There's a lot of dress-shopping and clothes-shopping and everything-shopping since it's the end of the year, for dances and graduations and parties and whatnot. And so many permission slips. I love it. I love skipping class so much now. I've turned into this slacker who doesn't try during class or anything. I don't do homework so much. It's just not important anymore. I know next year's schedule already, so what's the big deal? No one cares what grades you get the third trimester. School's over. No one cares. I know I don't care.

     I also realize I've gotten a little manipulative. I don't like that. I've never been like that, and I don't want to start now. I'm hoping camp will revamp my mean and/or self-centered side and I can start school new and fresh.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

     My friend recommended that I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other day, and she's been gushing about it so much that I was kinda intrigued. I heard it was good, and short. And I figured I wouldn't have to think too much while I was reading it. I really like books like that. I've come to appreciate them now, now that so many books that I read are "deep" and I have to find meaning and symbolism in every damn sentence.
     So I started it last night. Finished it at about midnight. I was a little underwhelmed by it, but there were so many little beautiful parts that it turned out to be all right. I liked Charlie, a lot. I have this theory that anyone named Charlie is automatically a good person. My brother's name is Charlie, and he's the sweetest kid. I know two Charlies at school and they're both really nice. Charlie's just an agreeable name.
     Anyway, I didn't like how he was always smoking and tripping unnecessarily. I felt like that was out of character. But he was all right. I did not like Sam; I thought she evidently hadn't escaped her past (meaning her reputation as a sophomore). I liked the gifts Charlie got everyone, even when no one gave him anything in return, and his sweet little mixtapes, and the suicide note-turned-poem that Charlie read aloud. I really liked Charlie's teacher Bill, and I'm making a list of all the books he told Charlie to read for my own devices. Here it is.

To Kill a Mockingbird
Peter Pan
The Great Gatsby
The Catcher in the Rye
The Fountainhead
This Side of Paradise
On the Road
Naked Lunch
The Stranger

     Incidentally, I'm reading On the Road right now. It's a little slow to start, but I'm definitely going to give it some time because I loved The Dharma Bums, and I've heard On the Road was the original Beat book and all. But the thing is, I loved Dharma Bums more or less only because of the places Ray went, and how he lived, and what he ate, and how he dressed and all. He was just so thoughtful about all that stuff. I really appreciated it. But I found Kerouac's wording to be a little pretentious. I find that with a lot of writers, which is sad. But I can't help it. So many people are projectors. Even me, I guess.
     You know, that really is sad.

Dreams.

     Also I had this really alarming dream last night in which someone very dear to me told me they lied to me about something very important. Then I woke up and dreaded coming to school, but it was 3.19 in the morning and I didn't realize it was just a dream until about 7.15 when I got up for real.
     But it was one of those dreams that told me something about myself, and that was the interesting part, because it expressly told me through a person that I was "unnatural about love," something like that, and that's why I don't like doing some things that are supposed to be nice in a relationship. I don't know what my audience is like, so I won't go into detail. But it was interesting. Especially when I realized it was true. And also why I don't make eye contact a lot with him. I don't know why, it's just that I don't want to. It's uncomfortable. Same with kissing. It's just something to get done. I don't like doing it. Honestly, it's a little gross. I wish I felt the same way he did. Why does everything like it? What do they feel? I feel nothing.
     Either way, I've come to respect my dreams one way or another. I do think they're pretty reflective of what's going on in life, so I'm going to pay more attention to them and analyze the more realistic ones. Just another interesting thing to do. I might even keep a dream journal...? I tried to do that when I was younger, but I can't write when I'm half-asleep and I don't want to lose any sleep if it's a school morning/night.
     Also, Dreams is a good song.

In defense of unwinding.

     I feel a little sad because this past Saturday and Sunday, I learned how to master a weekend. I honestly think I was happy the entire time. No boredom. Hardly any 2048. No sadness. No FOMO even. Yeah, that's come back.
     I digress. I can't relax. Too many group projects and I can't relax. All I want to do is read and run and talk to K and listen to music. I have so many things I can do. I want to take a long shower. I want to do planks on the floor. I want to type lists of food I'll have in the apartment. I want to start playing tennis again this season. I want to get the same feeling of my 800m last track meet. I want to style my books. I want to read Rookie articles. I want to blog the whole damn day. I want to write to Mia and Tess and Siena. I want my allergies to be bad on a hot late afternoon just so I have an excuse to turn all my lights off in my room and lie in my chair with a cold washcloth over my inflamed eyes and listen to my 80s Pop and Smashing Pumpkins radios on Pandora. I've gotten very attached to Sugar Ray and Simple Minds.
     Is it so hard? As we get older, we get bored. Why did we have nap time in kindergarten? No one ever napped; I remember spending that time lying on my towel and learning how to make animal noises from Brett. My brother actually gets in trouble for not wanting to lie down and close his eyes. But as 5- and 6-year-olds, our minds are too active. We're sort of ADD. We can't just stop everything. Everything's too exciting. But now! Now if we had nap time, everyone would love it to death. It'd be the best if we had nap time. Or if we could have less work. Or just start school later. My point is that we need more time to recharge. We're swamped with work, and we come home to homework, and we don't have any constructive free time. And school's too structured. I read an article on Rookie when I was supposed to be working on my Iwo Jima works cited—WHICH I COULD DO IN FIVE MINUTES ANYWAY—about this guy who went to this high school that gave credits for going to museums. Museums, dammit. I'd go to a museum. I'd love the hell out of a museum if I had one around. I guess I just wish I could drive. I'll never get bored then.
     Above all, I realized I hate working in groups. I'm a procrastinator, but it honestly works in my favor. I go at my own speed and produce my best work the few days before something's due. I can't stand people pressuring me to do this and that. I don't know why; I just can't. And I hate presenting with other people. I wish we could have relax days. I wish I didn't stay home the other day from allergies; now I'm all enticed by the idea of keeping my brain home from school. I wish I lived in a city; I'd have so much fun stuff to do. I don't need friends. I'm not sure I have too many anymore. But I guess I'm more of a lone wolf for now anyway.

Ragusa

I'm sitting on the front steps reading The dharma bums. My hair is curly. I ran a few miles at track. I can hold the lotus position for a few seconds and balance only on my arms. I can do side planks, left and right. For lunch I had avocado and lemon juice on toast. Great stretch on Boston Radio on pandora. Now I'm listening to 80s Pop Radio. Hall and Oates, and I Ran So Far Away. Later Papi and I are planting herbs in the cutting garden. Even later Maman is taking me to see an Indian film called The Lunchbox.

Last night I sat on the steps of some park in Ridgewood, in the lotus position, by myself, distractedly texting but enjoying being on a corner. I felt like everything was a triangle and I was the pinnacle and everything was pointing to me. Then I had to go and I watched Wadjda at home and didn't eat dessert.

My two favorite things don't work.

     Meaning India and Cary Grant. Okay, I honestly prefer James Stewart to Cary in terms of looking good in movies, but... No, you know what, I can't make that kind of decision. It would be barbaric to do so. I can love them both.
     And Ravi Teja is still hotter than the two of them combined.
     I watched Gunga Din when we got home from the grandparents' house. Most racially offensive movie I've ever seen, my god. I was going to text K when I saw the back cover because the synopsis included the fact that the main issue was that some Indian guys were part of this bloodthirsty cult that worshipped the Hindu goddess Kali (who had some intense fascination with killing people), and he was the one who taught me about Kali in the first place, but I'm glad I didn't because I would be embarrassed if he ever looked up the movie. It was that disgusting.
     The entire movie basically consisted of Cary and some other British guys with those nasty late-nineteenth-century mustaches, constantly beating up like ten riled-up "Indians" at a time, never mind the fact that the latter were wielding guns and riding temperamental elephants. It was so stupid and clearly the Indian guys were going to lose, but I got so sick of Cary strangling and roundhouse-kicking five men per second that I wished he would just fall in a hole or blow up or get trampled or something.
     The Brits did this while simultaneously throwing around sticks of dynamite and riding horses and coming up with witty comments as bony little guys in turbans and beards ran around with bayonets—all right, the other two guys were stiffs. The witty commentary was just Cary. That guy is just too perfect for words. He's definitely in the top five on my Attractive White Guys list.
      I digress. I cynically type "Indians" because none of those sonuvabitches were even Indian, and that is just wrong. For god's sake, the title character, Gunga Din, was played by an elderly Jew! They must have blackfaced themselves or something. It was gross. When I wasn't trying to gore my eyes out using my barrettes (the only relatively sharp things I ever have on hand) because of how terrible the movie was, I kept thinking, "Jesu', and to think I watched Gandhi last night. Puts this goddamn production to shame. Dressing fat, middle-aged white men in turbans and loincloths does not make an instant India. To shame, I tell you.