Camp reflection, etc.

     I am so, so devastatingly sad that camp is over. 6 weeks of my life, all a memory. WAAAAHH!! And omg I miss the bae sooo much, like I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye (meaning hug and flirty reminder to text me) and now I'm pretty sure we'll never see each other again... Waaaahh...
     Always telling myself that "from now on, it'll be different." But no, it never happens. I'm still anxious and disappointed and upset and freaked out and stressed about everything.
     The issue is also that I feel like I don't have an excuse for any of it. Like, when my mom told me I could have anxiety I was almost thrilled to accept that (even though I'm pretty sure I don't). Like, everything is all my fault and I could flip it at any time I wanted to, I'm just choosing to be stubborn and lazy and unfocused about it. There's no depression or anxiety or eating disorder at play here, just me and my inability to act. It's so upsetting really
     On a different note, I am DYING for a camera!! I know I've mentioned this before, but EVERY encounter is a photo op!!
What I want to do:
-Take fotos all the time
-Run every day
-Get strong arms for once in my life, jajaja
-Not fail the French exam
-Learn the whole Call Me Baby dance (and roast 크루브 bc let's face it, the guy sucks at dancing and I am a machine)
-Decorate my room (put up Shakespeare and Co. poster, make art, decorate desk space, etc.)
-Take artsy pics in Europe w my dumb 4S, jajaja
-Bike more!! I used to be so obsessed w the idea of biking after Blue Tree two summers ago but idk what happened to that, jaja. But it's such a great thing!
-Send off the letters 미르신아기 and I made for the second-years (jajajajaj her puns randomly surpass the panache of any given Jew's instagram at my school)
-Do sth productive w my sophomore year
-Learn how to use my (until now completely obsolete) sewing machine
-Some (click) times in our lives (click) we all have pain, we all have sorrow~ (I have absolutely no idea why I wrote that. Feeling CRS nostalgia or sth)
-Delete instagram!!!!??!!!
-Go to sleep immediately

Obsessions

I'm a person with tons of feelings! Especially right now in life! (n_n)

Things I am obsessed with:
Reviving Ophelia
The Greek chocolate bars from Μυρσίνη (jajaja, I've already eaten so many of them, it's horrifying)
Project Paterson trip days
My summer plans!!!
SUMMER JAJAJA
Curly hair
Farms
Italy
Vintage
Doris from L.A. Frock Stars
These puppies: (✿◕ ‿◕ฺ)ノ))。₀: *゜
Skype statuses
Weekends
Robert Durst (jajaja)
Chennai Express
The bae (sort of, not really)
H&M loves Coachella
H&M
David Bowie's MODERN LOVE ♡
Michel Telo
2pac
"Filthy"
Getting to sleep not at 11:30
Living near NYC
Mere yaaron from camp!!!

Things I am not obsessed with:
Uniqlo
The bae
Stalking
Homework
Winter
My black leggings that I wish to burn or give to Goodwill
SeaWorld
The soda industry
Anti-feminism
Teen Vogue
That one girl that I canNOT stand (but I am trying SO hard)
School
The school year
Missing camp
Not going to camp

A history

1. China
2. Russia...? (I remember being very into my Royal Diaries book about the Romanovs, and the Russian Olympians during the Beijing Games in 2008, and (because I was still writing stories at that age) naming the main characters Tatiana and Alexandra to purposely sound Russian. So yes, Russia as well.)
3. Italy (on a low degree, just because I adored Lucca and the language. I wouldn't necessarily call it cultural obsession on the level of what I do now.)
4. Japan (for a short period of time. Mostly because my friends in 7th grade were inspiring me, and I liked Death Note and Ouran and going out for dim sum (not Japanese, I know).)
5. India

Now what? I think I'm a mix of India + Puerto Rico + Botswana + Barbados. Jajajjaja, I love it.

A list of STUFF

    I'm feeling SUPER productive!
PRA FAZER:
-A handstand











-Look for summer jobs (I have no idea what to do, by the way. I'm too young for most jobs (most interesting ones). I really wanted to work on a farm or something, but a lot of them are specific to the region and there's not a lot of farms where I am. And I really don't wanna spend my summer doing tedious stuff. I would've loved to have just taken a volunteer job, but I was talking to K the other day and he's right--if I want to do all these things I want to do, I need to raise money for them. UGH MONEY)
-Buy cool stuff in MEXICO
-Like... hang out with a llama!
-Pack for the trip *-* ^_^
-Give K a Japan experience
-Send Yumi my letter
PRA COMER:
-Some soggy chicken tamales, out of guilt (because omg. My dad is so pagal (endearingly so). He was feeling hungry yesterday and so he decided to take out this massive bag of TWELVE CHICKEN TAMALES from the freezer and make ALL OF THEM, assuming that he and I would eat ALL OF THEM OURSELVESSSS and now THEY CANNOT BE REHEATED BC HE ALREADY PUT THEM IN THE MICROWAVE and we ate only like five of them yesterday and NOW WE CANNOT EAT THEM AND IF WE DO THEYLL BE ALL GROSS AND SOGGY AND UGHHH BABUJIIII)
-Peanut butter
-Paella (idk, I would just like some)
-The avocado on the kitchen island that no one wants (which is obviously not a problem, I mean, avocados are bae. But I will never be able to understand this. No one in my household ever wants to eat them. They're my actual favorite food, like I will just eat one straight up with a spoon, and for gods sake you can eat them on anything and with anything and HELLO, GUACAMOLE)
PRA OUVIR (listen to, apparently):
-Rab ne bana di jodi soundtrack (mainly Dancing Jodi, I absolutely ADORE that song, Taani partner)
-Sweety from Race Gurram (with my brother)
-This Singh is So Stylish (this is the anthem)
-Aaja Nachle (literally barfing in my sleep about that song)
-Rozz Jack
-Dance Basanti (neer neer neer) <-- me impersonating a tumbi
PRA LER:
-The Smartest Kids in the World (the parts when the kids find youth exchange programs and raise money for them, cough cough, ROTARY)
-Travel reviews
-Blogs of exchange students
PRA ASSISTIR (watch, apparently):
-Om Shanti Om
-Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (STILL HAVE NOT WATCHED IT)
-Race Gurram
-Zero Dark Thirty

Bailando

    My dance playlist! Most of these I learned in the art cabin at camp.
-Bailando (claro que sí): ESPAÑOL
-Ice Shipping Bagel/Ai Se Eu Te Pego: PORTUGUÊS
-Opa Opa (Ώπα ώπα): ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΆ
-Chalifot: don't know how to say HEBREW in HEBREW
-Danza Kuduro: ESPAÑOL
-Marry Her Anyway: ENGLISH Y'ALL
-Balada Ao Vivo: PORTUGUÊS
-Vivir Mi Vida: ESPAÑOL
-Deewangi Deewangi: HINDI

A.C. (after camp)

     Ever since I got back from camp, everything is so. boring. by comparison. It's terrible.
     But really, it's OK. I've decided that I'm bored just because it's still summer and I don't really have too much to do right now. I'm going to my new school's orientation tomorrow, so pretty soon I'll be busy doing whatever I gotta do, and then I'll feel happier.
     I'm SUPER into international music now. And I think my India thing is finally over, but I have new places now! YEAH. Thanks to my sisters, my new points of interest are
Greece
Argentina
Brazil
Costa Rica (I don't even know why...)
Italy
Turkey
Portuguese
Greek
Spanish
Hebrew
cooking
dancing (haha, I know)
singing
taking risks
having fun
talking
teaching
giving Greek hugs to people
     It's great! I can't wait until school starts.
     Actually, I can, but it's OK ^^"

My favorite Indian songs.

Khudaya Khair—from this movie called Billu
Sheila Ki Jawani—from Tees Maar Khan
Chammak Challo
Lucky Boy
Laila Main Laila
Munni Badnaam
Teri Ore
Bolo Tara Ra Ra—Daler Mehndi
Tunak Tunak Tun— " "
Yeh Dosti
Kal Ho Naa Ho
Mauja Hi Mauja—from THE BEST MOVIE EVER, Jab We Met
Pretty Woman—from Kal Ho Naa Ho
More Sawariya
Phir Milenge Chalte Chalte
Marjaani
Nagada Nagada—also from Jab We Met
Jaane Kyun

My contemplative rainy-day playlist.

With some 80s pop thrown in. Sorry, I can't help it.

Father of Mine—Everclear

Santeria—Sublime

The Promise—When in Rome

Down Under—Men at Work

All Apologies—Nirvana

By the Way—Red Hot Chili Peppers

If You Could Only See—Tonic

Salvation—The Cranberries

Scar Tissue—RHCP

Landslide—Smashing Pumpkins

And No Quarter by Led Zeppelin. A great alone-at-night song.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

     My friend recommended that I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower the other day, and she's been gushing about it so much that I was kinda intrigued. I heard it was good, and short. And I figured I wouldn't have to think too much while I was reading it. I really like books like that. I've come to appreciate them now, now that so many books that I read are "deep" and I have to find meaning and symbolism in every damn sentence.
     So I started it last night. Finished it at about midnight. I was a little underwhelmed by it, but there were so many little beautiful parts that it turned out to be all right. I liked Charlie, a lot. I have this theory that anyone named Charlie is automatically a good person. My brother's name is Charlie, and he's the sweetest kid. I know two Charlies at school and they're both really nice. Charlie's just an agreeable name.
     Anyway, I didn't like how he was always smoking and tripping unnecessarily. I felt like that was out of character. But he was all right. I did not like Sam; I thought she evidently hadn't escaped her past (meaning her reputation as a sophomore). I liked the gifts Charlie got everyone, even when no one gave him anything in return, and his sweet little mixtapes, and the suicide note-turned-poem that Charlie read aloud. I really liked Charlie's teacher Bill, and I'm making a list of all the books he told Charlie to read for my own devices. Here it is.

To Kill a Mockingbird
Peter Pan
The Great Gatsby
The Catcher in the Rye
The Fountainhead
This Side of Paradise
On the Road
Naked Lunch
The Stranger

     Incidentally, I'm reading On the Road right now. It's a little slow to start, but I'm definitely going to give it some time because I loved The Dharma Bums, and I've heard On the Road was the original Beat book and all. But the thing is, I loved Dharma Bums more or less only because of the places Ray went, and how he lived, and what he ate, and how he dressed and all. He was just so thoughtful about all that stuff. I really appreciated it. But I found Kerouac's wording to be a little pretentious. I find that with a lot of writers, which is sad. But I can't help it. So many people are projectors. Even me, I guess.
     You know, that really is sad.

I don't wanna be tied down.

     Sigh. I'm too immature for a lasting relationship. It's a long story and no one really wants to hear about this stuff anyway, but... I guess he's attracted to my goddamned mood swings or something. But I'm done with commitment. I feel too young anyways. I'm just not ready for that yet. I like liking people, just liking them. Any further than that, and I get uncomfortable. Or I lie. Not healthy.

     On a happy note, I just made Toll House cookie pie. And I'm re-reading Gone With the Wind. Because of something—someone, someone no one would ever suspect that I think about—that I was thinking about over break. I'm going to keep this inside. No one can know. Especially not him.

      And I bought more avocado, and tonight I'm watching My Girl with some friends. And I don't have t.b.! ^_(\ I had to get a test for camp. The doctor said it was stupid as hell to, but whatever. Now I know, hey?

Movies I've watched over break.

-Gandhi—I watched it tonight; blew me away. One of my favorite movies in a while, and I've seen plenty of good ones. Long live Gandhiji, all I'm saying.
-Steel Magnolias—watched it a few nights ago. I cried a few times. And the way Sally Field has those outbursts where she goes from sad, to mad, to scared, to sad, to cracking up... She's probably my favorite female actor.
-Funny Face—watched it tonight as well. Not impressed with Audrey Hepburn's acting or dancing, ever. Not impressed with the movie as a whole, but that dancing scene in the bar was priceless.
-Some Like it Hot—I forget when I watched this, but it was great. Joe E. Brown or whatever his name was, with the mouth? So good. Nobody's perfect.
-On the Waterfront—only caught the last third of it, but it was so powerful really. Marlon Brando, the original 3D actor, in On the Waterfront, the original mafia movie. 
-Suspicion—a Hitchcock, with Cary Grant. Other than that, unmemorable. Plus it was a young Cary Grant. Ew. He's too blocky when he's young. Cary's like cheese, improving with age.
-Breakfast at Tiffany's—was so unimpressed with everything about this movie except Audrey's outfits that I more or less called it quits about a third of the way through. Maybe next time.
-Ta ra rum pum—Hindi movie; don't remember when I watched it. Good though. The guy was pretty attractive also. ^_^
-Sukitte Iinayo, aka Say "I love you"—okay, not a movie, an anime. But I watched all thirteen goddamned episodes yesterday when I was sick. It was so cute, and it made me want to live in Tokyo all over again, or at least a small city.
      That's all I can remember. I'm positive I've watched more. Sorry to the ones I've forgotten.

My love list.

I've finally gotten happy with break, and it feels pretty good. To maintain my inner happiness or what have you, I'm gonna make a list of things that I love right now.

I love avocado.

I love composition notebooks.

I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I love Ravi Teja.

I love gel pens.

I love writing letters.

I love The Clash.

I love yogic flying.

I love Mary Janes (the shoe, not the nasty old-people candy).

I love Malcolm Gladwell.

I love newly painted toenails.

I love doing stretches.

I love Raj (my chick).

I love cup ramen.

I love Punjabi parents.

I love acting.

I love screenplays.

I love Buddha by Deepak Chopra.

I love Tollywood.

I love TM.

I love New York City.

I love goblin sharks.

I love the young Josh Hutcherson.

I love curling up in the sun.

I love wispy hair.

I love thin ankles.

I love the sound of water.

I love being elusive.

I love lying down and thinking.

I love reminiscing.

I love talking to old friends.

I love coconut water (but only that certain kind).

I love pickles.

I love grape juice.

I love Passover.

I love playing piano.

I love The Cranberries.

I love Gervita yogurt in France.

I'M .25% INDIAN! JOIE!

     Me, myself and I had a nice little understanding this past weekend since he was away. The three of us decided to stop texting so much, and ALSO TO STOP PLAYING THAT DAMN DOGE 2048. Even though it is such wow. Anyways, we're going to make a conscious effort to stop lazing around and gain back our pre-Fieldstone motivation. Er, pre-8th grade... What I mean to say is... Pre-him. Sigh. Yeah. Him. That's not to say that it's his fault I'm like this, but... It's my fault for starting all this. Oh well. It's my fault for provoking this in the first place, and I guess it's now up to me to get us both out of what we started. It's a time and energy suck for me, but it's good for him... That's why it's hard. I've tried to come up with happy mediums, but I never live up to what I say I'm going to do about it. Well, maybe this'll be it.
     Since we're not going anywhere for break, I figured I should have a list of things to do while I'm home. As follows.

MY PLANS FOR SPRING BREAK:
-clean out closet
-go spring shopping; i.e., go to Uniqlo and call it a day
-hang up prayer flags
-hang up Shakespeare and Co. poster
-finish Buddha picture and hang it up
-download Third Eye Blind, Cranberries, Cars, etc. CDs
-watch Om Shanti Om, Balupu, etc.
-email Shama... God, I am really going to miss that kid. She's so great... I miss her already. It was so great being her tutor. I'm definitely going to keep in touch with her when she's in Andhra Pradesh or whichever state it is that she's from.
-don't play sudoku, or 2048, or doge 2048 ^_(\
-read Ishmael
-run a lot
-stretch a lot
-jump rope and use sidewalk chalk and do dips and planks
-play Bridge Over Troubled Water and Moondance better
-learn chess again... I really want to do that.
-work on that book folder thing
-cook; i.e., fry ramen and vegetables and call it a day
-hike—go to Campmor or something for boots for camp
     I love how I just realized that I didn't tell any of my friends about the whole camp ordeal except Krupal. Wow, me.

Tonight's unenthusiastic book list.

     I guess I'll be writing now. I said I would, so here it is. I just was at the Boy Scout spaghetti dinner, looking nonchalantly at him practically at the whole time. And he served my parents. ^_^ it was cute of him.

     My book list, then.

-The World According to Garp, John Irving (and I swear to god I'm having so much déjà vu right now... I already wrote this...).

-(Rereading) The Dharma Bums, Jack Kerouac.

-I Am Malala, Malala Yousafzai.

-I Am Nujood, Nujood Ali.

-The Historian, Elizabeth Kostova.

-In the Garden of Beasts, Erik Larson.

-Into the Wild, Jon Krakauer.

     I don't feel like writing anything else, really. And I don't want this to become a commitment. Good night then.

I'm trying, see?

I honestly just looked at her, like, who are you kidding? Like I was the supreme being there. In fact, in North Korea, the only reason why the blind want to see is to fall on their knees and thank Kim Jong Un. Don't thank the doctor. Thank the supreme being. I saw it.

I'm really scared for my two interviews, Camp Rising Sun's on Saturday and BA's next Thursday. Like, really stressed. A lot. K tried to calm me down, but I ended up just getting mad at him, which is what always happens.

I would like to be more productive with my time. How will I do it?
1.) do homework
2.) stop talking to him
3.) be creative
4.) be responsible
5.) be engaged
6.) don't get sidetracked
7.) read
8.) run
9.) I hate running. Play tennis instead.
10.) don't use my phone and school iPad as much
11.) save for the cultural immersion camp
12.) find a purpose... No... Don't succumb to his ways now.
13.) write
14.) write down a list of all the things that I should do to achieve my own nirvana
15.) write more lists. I always used to do that.
16.) don't let them get too long. Long lists suck.

All I want is you—U2
Could you be loved—Bob Marley
Such great heights—cover by Iron and Wine
Demons—Imagine Dragons (only because of him)
Sunday Bloody Sunday—U2
Paradise—Coldplay
Jenny I got your number, 867-5309, or whatever the name of it is
Little rosa—?
Ringa Ringa—A. R. Rahman

Je Dois Faire, 21.11.13

-learn Arabic via Johns Hopkins! But first...
-take SAT
-get a new typewriter
-get a Raspberry Pi (Hanukkah... Maman, I love youuu...)
-not fall asleep while emailing my "second-best friend" for ONCE
-make the Asians cut it out with their talk of "taking out the trash" -_-
-write a bit this weekend
-run before 5k on Thanksgiving
-watch Slumdog Millionaire, Wadjda, etc.
-watch Gidget for no intellectual or cultural benefit at all whatsoever
-finish City of Bones and What is the What
-fix soles of flatforms
-bring up my teetering grade in science
-sweep over BCA application for last time
-don't tease E ^_^
-learn Snow on guitar
-learn You Never Give Me Your Money on piano
-go to Girl Scouts meeting
-forget about G, even though V TALKED TO HIM ABOUT ME YESTERDAY AAAAAH YESSSSSSS!
-go to India already
-at the very least, get K to teach me the basics of Gujarati

A checkup.

what i've read:
Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer,
Night, Elie Wiesel,
Slaughterhouse-five, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.,
The Complete Out-of-Print Publications of J. D. Salinger, J. D. Salinger,
The Outsider, Camus,
Le Sorciére Qui Avait Peur (if that's grammatically correct, I'm saying the name from memory), Some Unremembered Canadian Writer,
The House on Mango St., Sandra Cisneros (never gets old),
The Wonderful O, James Thurber.

books i've started:
Huck Finn, Mark Twain,
Salinger, Shields and Salerno,
War and Peace, Tolstoy,
Hamlet, Shakespeare,
The Mortal Instruments City of Bones Blah Blah Unnecessary Colons, Cassandra Clare (through force. It's for a school book club thing. Ugh, how I despise fantasy),
The Penal Colony, Kafka,
Today I Will, Eileen and Jerry Spinelli.

Oh, and by the way, I'm kind of madly in love with one Greg Almeida. Leia, now you understand why Griffin has to get back into Boy Scouts!

at 18.30 we shall be gone

to read:
-everything is illuminated, jonathan safran foer
-huck finn, samuel clements--haha, I'm a riot (only the true literature nerds will get that one, it's more or less the equivalent of an eric blair reference)
-something by dave eggers--perchance zeitoun? oblivion?
-hapworth 16, 1924--j. d. salinger
-the new yorker
-thoreau
-robert burns (in italics and said by phoebe caulfield--salinger NEVER desecrates his work with the unrefined bolding)

to listen:
-goodnight saigon--billy joel
-avec sa petite gueule d'ange--rozz jack
-my girl--the mamas and the papas
-you really got me--the kinks
-got to get you into my life--the beatles
-i'm free--the who
-born on the bayou--ccr
-el scorcho--weezer (aaah, memories...)
-blinded by the light--manfred mann and co.
-sweetest thing--u2
-you're going to lose that girl--the beatles
-enfant soldat--rozz jack
-longview--green day
-gold dust woman--fleetwood mac... always.
-paper planes--m.i.a.

to watch:
-eight is enough
-help! for film night
-napoleon dynamite
-slumdog millionaire; never gets old, man
-um... yeah...

to do:
-sit around and watch the tube, but nothing's on (longview reference). nah, i don't actually want to do that, i don't even like tv
-babysit the rottinger kids
-elude creepy sherry with cristina
-hmm. just learn korean (via james), arabic (via johns hopkins), some branch of hindi (via krupal, my kindred spirit), spanish (via mi papá, mi abuelita, y sra. gonzalez), french (via Francesca, ma maman, et Michel Thomas), italian (via rosetta stone), german (via die welt and the rest of my german newspapers), dutch (who knows how i'll learn that one), and every other language known to man. c'est bon ? Pas de quoi !

to write:
-in my brand-spanking-new journal
-a story in spanish
-a novel for november *gag cough sputters under pressure*
-about krupal's and my plans for the future ( organically-eating, book-reading, restaurant-owning, terribly-guitar-playing, idiot-avoiding, dishwashing, chicken-and-lion-owning hermits who move to spain and inconveniently get trampled in the running of the bulls)

[14] Books I've Read This Month

Inspired by the blogger Cake.
Sorry if I forgot some. Who am I apologizing to? Myself? Good grief, Charlie Brown.
तारांकन
nine stories--j.d. salinger,
multiples--adam thirlwell and co.,
the metamorphosis--franz kafka,
my beautiful hippie--janet nichols lynch,
the outsider--albert camus,
the rock snob*s dictionary--david kamp and steven daly
the great gatsby--f. scott fitzgerald,
franny and zooey--j.d. salinger,
bad boy--wdm,
schooled--gordon korman,
the beatles anthology--the beatles,
eggs--jerry spinelli,
what do fish have to do with anything?--avi,
the lexicon of stupidity--ross and kathryn petras,
and a plethora of short stories: Salinger's illegally downloaded out-of-print publications. See what this guy's made me into? I'm a common criminal!
तारांकन
Okay, this list was not valid, I didn't read that many books since 20 September! Lies for a liar. You lie to yourself and your intellectual community. So I just went back and edited it, and it's now a puny list of the books I actually read this past month.
Failure makes me very sad.

Some things I've been doing

Because there's something so nice and stress-free about a nice list.
*reading--and how! Heh, I love the 50s. I've been reading books that I've seen referenced in books that I've seen referenced around--whooooooa, meta! For example, my maman got The Catcher in the Rye at a book sale some odd years ago and I read it sometime this past year and loved it... as you can see. My whole goddam world has been goddam-ified and Holden-ified, and, hello, my name is Phoebe Caulfield? So my book flow chart is as follows:
L'Etranger --> The Catcher --> Franny and Zooey --> The Penal Colony --> The Metamorphosis, and that's what I'm reading now. Fun stuff. My dad was about to kill one of those escapees from the stink-bug epidemic, but I shrieked something along the lines of "OH MY LORD DAD DON'T KILL IT IT COULD BE GREGOR!" and that was that.
*Post-Its--usually there is nothing I despise more than a good old quote. Except when they're book quotes! That are used out of context and applied to everyday life! But "inspirational" or "endearing" quotes that you hang up around your house to be cute or something, Francesca and Jessie will give you the NO face.
Let's take a swell movie. Forrest Gump, say. That thing is just chock-goddam-full of nice pithy quotes! But noooo, inSTEAD of taking some memorable quote from one of those hippies--Stoner Brett, anyone? Ryan Murphy should just make an anthology of Stoner Brett quotes--or even the well-known "Run, Forrest, run!" everyone decides to glom over the good ol' life's-a-box-of-chocolates one. ¿POR QUÉ?
I am too tired to even finish this, and I must get up early to help Mrs. F and Mrs. R with the ever-helpful James Hong (Francesca, don't say anything or you will be mysteriously and brutally murdered during the night, so sad, so sad), so that's all for now, folks! #looneytunesreferencedidanyonecatchthat