What homework? jajaja

    Inspired by my homegirl Francesca to do a post!
    Omg. I cannot even handle the sadness, jaja. I laugh but it's not even funny. I miss myself, you know? I have too many worries these days. I was so cute back in the day. Now I'm just depressing and stuff. It's horrifying. But it just goes to show you: I am a product of my environment. Who's even cute anymore? Nobody. It's all high school's fault.
    But for real. I don't even like myself anymore, I mean, I do, but I get on my nerves so much. It's horrifying. Everything is just so negative and I'm just not like that. I don't wanna gossip about teachers. I don't wanna gossip about other girls. I don't wanna fat talk. I don't wanna do any of this. Most of all I don't wanna do my homework. IT IS EARTH DAY SO OUR TEACHERS SHOULD GIVE US HOMEWORK THAT IS GREAT FUN.
     And also, my allergies are going ballistic, so I can't even go outside!!! So I was allowed to stay in the library for block gym instead of running the mile like my peers (jajaja), but I couldn't even concentrate in there with the suspicious librarian staring at me making silent assumptions that I was cutting class and all the PEOPLEEEE that I cannot handle, like it's so weird that everyone at my school somehow looks exactly the same... It's so weird. It's like a cult. For real. I can't handle it; I mean like they all have different body types and although the student body is mostly white we have kids of many different ethnic backgrounds and what have you, and despite all that they all look the same. Something about the leggings and the Sperrys and the North Faces and the LEGGINGS just gets me. I can't handle it. I don't understand how somehow everyone can look like that. But obviously the worst part is the attitudes. I can't deal. I wish everyone there could just go for a hike on the PCT for a few weeks in solitude and see what would happen. I think they would all chill out.
     But then again, we're all what society made us, basically. I maintain that belief. It's not their fault this town is nuts, jajaja. I mean, half the girls in my grade already have wrinkle lines in their foreheads from worrying about the gradebook and trying to diet or something. And it's HORRIBLE. People really don't appreciate how hard it is for girls. We have so many expectations. I'm not even going to go into it right now because the feminism could go on for centuries and I still have history homework to do, but for real, it is wrong. I wish girls could stop trying to fit themselves and their identities these stupid leggings if their bods say otherwise and just dress how they like. We obviously don't all look the same, so why should we all try to wear the same clothes? And BECAUSE a girl doesn't fit the same clothes as another girl, she's too fat or too skinny or too neither? RIDICULOUSNESS TO THE PEAKS!!! It's all the fashion industry's fault. Actually, it's really every industry's fault. I just watched the documentary Fed Up about how corporations are making us OD on sugar and consequently become obese, and as far as I'm concerned, nothing that was created to "help" the general public is doing its job at all, with the exception of maybe the UN organizations. But come on, other than that? I hate the feeling of being taken advantage of. And every industry is basically doing that right now. Yucky.

A history

1. China
2. Russia...? (I remember being very into my Royal Diaries book about the Romanovs, and the Russian Olympians during the Beijing Games in 2008, and (because I was still writing stories at that age) naming the main characters Tatiana and Alexandra to purposely sound Russian. So yes, Russia as well.)
3. Italy (on a low degree, just because I adored Lucca and the language. I wouldn't necessarily call it cultural obsession on the level of what I do now.)
4. Japan (for a short period of time. Mostly because my friends in 7th grade were inspiring me, and I liked Death Note and Ouran and going out for dim sum (not Japanese, I know).)
5. India

Now what? I think I'm a mix of India + Puerto Rico + Botswana + Barbados. Jajajjaja, I love it.

Motivation

I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to aesthetic stuff. Like honestly, even my blog has to look so perfect, and it doesn't now, which is freaking me out a little bit right now. But other things in life are also freaking me out right now, so I guess it kind of makes sense.

In December I made myself some January resolutions, just for that month. I went veg, I didn't have dessert, I ran at least 3x a week, and I had goals of meditating and writing in my journal every day. Which was good, and somehow I felt motivated to do it, but when I try to do that again it just doesn't work. Like, losing weight, say. Sure, yes, I want to, but what for? I have no reason to do it. I have no one to impress, and I myself won't be impressed by it because there's always something else for me to be insecure about. So why should I?

I was beginning to get a little worried about constantly wasting all my time on Skype, OK, a lot worried. But I almost think what I'm doing right now is worse: stressing about what I should be doing and how I'm running out of time and all the things I should be achieving post-camp, because god knows I'm not doing anything with myself right now. All my friends are doing stuff because their parents are forcing them to. My parents aren't like that and they want me to take the initiative by myself but I have no drive, for whatever reason. I just want it to be like it was earlier this year when I still had that part of me that I don't have now, you know what I mean, and I was happy, at least. I know I'm romanticizing it, but I read my old journal entries every night and it's always talking about how I can't wait to go back to school on the weekends because school was actually fun for me. And the weekends were too, because I was always hanging out with different friends, doing different shit, and it was fun. And I was running at least 5x a week, usually every day after school and one weekend day, because I WANTED TO.

It's pretty upsetting.

Africa, etc.

I was feeling like change, so here we are. New format, new background, new link, OUAY ('yeah' in French, jaja). I'm also extremely annoyed with the fact that Blogger is blocked on my school laptop. It's not like it's detrimental to our education.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder how many kids in school even have a blog. On here or Wordpress or whatever. I made one on Weebly, inspired by Olivia and because it was accessible on that damn computer. But I have absolutely no idea how it works. I wish she could teach me... I wish we could be in the Anatolia and she could teach me... And Minky could keep watch and hum some of her Setswana songs in the background...

De repente, I'm into Africa and the Caribbean islands. I'm reminded of Olivia, how she told me how I was the only other person she'd gotten to know with the "culture crisis" thing going on, and how her thing was Africa, mainly Ghana. I can totally understand why, Africa just has some kind of poetry or something to it, some simple earthiness and beauty. I think of Delphina when I think of Africa and I want to write to her, she's just so sweet and quietly graceful and all.

And the Carib, pueeees I've always been a Bob Marley fan, but on our trip last month I loved the culture of Belize and Roatan, Honduras (maybe not when we were walking around in the middle of the street in some pretty sketchy areas of Belize City as the only non-locals, but it resonates with me now, jaja). I bought a small oil painting of a woman standing in a doorway with a basket on her head and shrubbery behind her from a man with dreads painting right there on the street, which I love. And of course I love Krista's culture in Barbados, although it's totally different than Belize. They all just feel kinda warm to me, I don't know. I like it. It's friendly and I feel like I could just laugh with these people that I've never met. That's just the vibe I'm getting.

A list of STUFF

    I'm feeling SUPER productive!
PRA FAZER:
-A handstand











-Look for summer jobs (I have no idea what to do, by the way. I'm too young for most jobs (most interesting ones). I really wanted to work on a farm or something, but a lot of them are specific to the region and there's not a lot of farms where I am. And I really don't wanna spend my summer doing tedious stuff. I would've loved to have just taken a volunteer job, but I was talking to K the other day and he's right--if I want to do all these things I want to do, I need to raise money for them. UGH MONEY)
-Buy cool stuff in MEXICO
-Like... hang out with a llama!
-Pack for the trip *-* ^_^
-Give K a Japan experience
-Send Yumi my letter
PRA COMER:
-Some soggy chicken tamales, out of guilt (because omg. My dad is so pagal (endearingly so). He was feeling hungry yesterday and so he decided to take out this massive bag of TWELVE CHICKEN TAMALES from the freezer and make ALL OF THEM, assuming that he and I would eat ALL OF THEM OURSELVESSSS and now THEY CANNOT BE REHEATED BC HE ALREADY PUT THEM IN THE MICROWAVE and we ate only like five of them yesterday and NOW WE CANNOT EAT THEM AND IF WE DO THEYLL BE ALL GROSS AND SOGGY AND UGHHH BABUJIIII)
-Peanut butter
-Paella (idk, I would just like some)
-The avocado on the kitchen island that no one wants (which is obviously not a problem, I mean, avocados are bae. But I will never be able to understand this. No one in my household ever wants to eat them. They're my actual favorite food, like I will just eat one straight up with a spoon, and for gods sake you can eat them on anything and with anything and HELLO, GUACAMOLE)
PRA OUVIR (listen to, apparently):
-Rab ne bana di jodi soundtrack (mainly Dancing Jodi, I absolutely ADORE that song, Taani partner)
-Sweety from Race Gurram (with my brother)
-This Singh is So Stylish (this is the anthem)
-Aaja Nachle (literally barfing in my sleep about that song)
-Rozz Jack
-Dance Basanti (neer neer neer) <-- me impersonating a tumbi
PRA LER:
-The Smartest Kids in the World (the parts when the kids find youth exchange programs and raise money for them, cough cough, ROTARY)
-Travel reviews
-Blogs of exchange students
PRA ASSISTIR (watch, apparently):
-Om Shanti Om
-Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani (STILL HAVE NOT WATCHED IT)
-Race Gurram
-Zero Dark Thirty

DEEWANA HAI DEKHO BEKARAAR WOH

DEEWANA HAI DEKHO BEKARAAR WOH by pinkyallamoda featuring palazzo pants

Theek hai

     Hi, all... It's been a while. I was just on my laptop binge-watching Rani Mukerji movies and I decided to post on here. Just a check-in, check-up, kuch bhi, τέλος πάντων, whatever!
     So I'm madly in love right now. No kidding. Nenu ninnu premisthanu. I call him uppu and he calls me karam. It's great!
     I'm reading this book The Smartest Kids in the World right now; it's great fun! It keeps inspiring me to apply to UWC or AFS or something that offers a foreign schooling program. I'd love to be an exchange student... I really would. Like, my junior year somewhere else... It would be great. A Red Hook kid posted on Facebook that he got his acceptance letter to go to Germany for a year next year, his junior year, and I was bahut jealous. Another Red Hook kid, the Polak, is in Costa Rica for some convention thing... UGHHH. I know it's pretty selfish, but I am absolutely dying to go somewhere, especially somewhere where I can be a teenager and not be with my parents.
     Here's why it's selfish: Since camp, I've been dying to go to some Peace Corps-type camp for high-school kids over the summer. Go to Guatemala or Dharamsala for 4 or 5 weeks, do some sightseeing, meet new kids, do some service work, learn the language, feel productive. They're all a few thousand dollars just for like 3-4 weeks, but still. But after spending winter break in a fog, calling the one person I shouldn't every night and scrolling through pages and pages of camps where jappy kids from the tri-state area can go to Shimla together, I was feeling pretty cynical about the whole thing.
     Back story, because I like to talk about mein kampf: Honestly, for a couple reasons, break was just a bad situation. I couldn't function properly... I was kind of obsessive about stuff. And apathetic about other stuff. I half-watched lots of movies until late, and then I wouldn't want to go upstairs to sleep. So I would just hang out alone downstairs and eat, or something. One night I fell asleep on the stairs because I didn't want my parents to hear me coming into my room so late, and one night I didn't sleep at all. On Christmas I was such a pain in the you-know-what for the whole family that my mom found me when I was trying to sneak upstairs that night and got me into my room and just made me talk. It was good, though. I came out of my sulk. End of back story.
     And I realized that it was v. lame to go to one of those camps because they're kind of self-indulgent. Or they'd be self-indulgent for me, at least. For one thing, the quality of the people going to them... I'm not going to elaborate on that, but they're not my kind of people, they're not in it for the same things as me. But I would be going to volunteer with people for myself, not for the need to help others. I would be doing it because I wanted to go to India, not because I felt upset about conditions that people face... It would be redeeming for me--I would be doing it for that redeeming feeling. If that makes sense. And I find that really lame.
     So I want to travel, but for the sake of traveling. Not for something else that I should be focusing on. If I want to do volunteer work, I should do it in the States, and if I want to see India, I should do it in Bharat for the sake of seeing Bharat.
     That was, like, so deep... See, this is why I don't like blogging. I always make my situation sound so much more depressing. Here, CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! SHAHRUKH KHAN, ARJUN KAPOOR, SHAHID KAPOOR'S LIPS!!!!! TELUGU!!!!! विवेक गोगिनेनी!!!!! मैं तुमसे  प्यार करती हूँ!!!!! बहुत अच्छा और आजा!!!!! Gratuitous enthusiasm ^_(\