Meteor shower

     Full of wonder and self-assurance rn. Just watched the meteor shower w Maman, and you know what? We're all just specks and we're all going to die. No matter what, we will. And the shower was f-cking awesome. I'd never even seen a satellite in the sky before and tonight I saw this beautiful blue star, with a tail, for a split second, like it was weaving in and out of our atmosphere in some line pattern that I really don't understand but that I am amazed by. And it's not that i'm being pretentious bc it's 11 o'clock at night and i just spent an hr and some change talking death, existentialism and what's really happening in life. If you ever have problems and they're too much to handle, go to some kind of lookout and stare out at a city, a bridge, an ocean, a sky. It's incredible, and it's incredibly lucky that we can be on this earth right now, even if for just a short time. Like, it really is.

-"What is nothing? What the actual f-ck is nothing?" (I am really, really confused by and really, really scared of 'nothing.' Like, it really freaks me out... esp since I don't believe in some kind of alternate ending to life. But I cannot compel myself to believe that when we die, all of our EVERYTHING is just turned off and GONE and there is NOTHING and we don't even KNOW that there is nothing bc WE. ARE. NOTHING. Like, what the f-ck????)
-"What if gravity turned off and that plane fell on us?" (She corrected me bc if gravity turned off obviously the plane would just float into space and get crushed by space debris or sth.)
-"Did I get too cynical?" (Answer: totally yes)
-Her: "Doesn't that cloud look like my shadow? Like that sticking out part is my head?" Me: "Yes!!... What what you do if you got up just now and the head moved?" Her: (laughing but totally mulling it over) Me: "I would just start believing in God, right there... I would start my own religion"

     I'm obsessed w life. Not the YOLO mindset (per se) but like the idea that we should savor everything, every feeling, bad or good, and I guess that's how mine differs from the YOLO approach, bc it's not about being happy all the time, or forcing yourself to have no feelings at all. It's about accepting ANY feelings you get, and getting that they are NORMAL and VALID and that in the grand scheme of things they really actually do not mean anything at all and don't count for anything bc you're going to die anyway (jajaja). But that's not meant to depress. Basically the opposite. We should feel lucky that we're feeling anything at all, that we're feeling excitement, or jealousy, or embarrassment, or euphoria, or fury, or whatever. Bc soon enough (again, I'm not religious so this is only my own opinion. Just thinking out loud or sth right now) we'll be dead and we won't feel a damn thing. And if we've fulfilled our lives (not saying we have to be rich or successful or have loved every moment or sth, just, idk, if what you've done w your own life feels adequate or better), according to my thought process, that's not a problem. It's our time. We've made our mark and then we leave and join all the beings out there that were once guests here, and now they're not. That will be me. That will be you. That will be your best friend, and your crush, and your mom, and your dog, and your cat, and your filthy teacher who gives you too much homework, and it will be everyone you've ever seen or breathed the same air as (does that even make sense? whatever) for even a split second.
     We're all in this together bc (to give these cliched words a slightly more existential meaning) we are all equal. Even flies and lice are equal to us (I guess so. I haven't really thought about this yet). And it doesn't matter what you do, at least not to all the beings that have already left life on Earth, and yes, it matters to the beings still on Earth that you've known and touched and affected, but pretty soon they'll be on the other side, so to speak, with you, except that by then there will be no other side,  there will be no side where they came from, there will be no them, and there will be no you. At least not to you there won't be. Because right now you're a speck, and so is everyone else, and when you're dead you'll be less than a speck, and so will everyone else. We start out equal when we're born and that's how we end up, too.
     But aren't we so damn lucky? That we feel pain and love and a whole lot of other stuff while we can? Like I said before, we're just guests in this place, just specks. We live inside our brains. Everything we know is totally made up. Including, come on now, all our problems. And the roots of all our problems. Like, what is a body? Nothing. What is a mind? Nothing. What is a spirit? Nothing!! So sure, say you're famous. Say you're the most famous person in the world. If you have an incredible body you'll have a legacy among the living as maybe a sex icon or a major athlete. If you have an incredible mind you'll live on in music, or literature, or science, or a whole lot of other stuff. Now I don't know about everyone else, but I'm selfish and I'm pretty sure all other humans are too (not a bad thing, just a true thing). I don't care nearly as much about what other people think of me. When I'm dead I won't care (at this pt at least, as a sheltered 15-year-old) about what the living will think of me. I care about what I think of me. What will I think of myself when I'm dead? NOTHING, bc I won't be able to f-cking THINK!!! See how nothing really matters? Not that that's an excuse to just sit around wasting your life away doing nothing. If anything it should be an affirmation that life is so precious. Life is precious, and when you think about it, it's over f-cking FAST. And for some reason, that is really comforting.